Some thoughts

Mostly I have used this blog to write about what's going on in Nicaragua and what I see here. On a daily basis I think of more things that I want to include although I am usually not motivated to actually sit down and write about them. I was just reviewing a friend's blog and realized that many people use their blog as a more personal space to write about how they are feeling. I appreciate this and decided that perhaps I should share a bit about my own personal feelings here and how I feel like I have changed in my time here. I used to feel quite empty in my life in the States. Sure, I was happy and had a good time but I often felt that there was a lot missing, like there was a hole that I couldn't fill, no matter what I did. I often saw that many of my friends felt the same way. People felt disconnected and distracted and didn't know how to remedy that situation. This was one of my motivations for coming to Nicaragua, because I really wanted to try to remove this feeling or see what I could do to make it better. When I first arrived in Nicaragua everything was new and exciting and scary and all of that filled me up a bit and made me feel a bit better, although after a while I found the same feelings haunting me. Mostly it was when I wasn't busy, I would feel anxious and unsettled and it scared me. In reading the posts of other friends just now I realized how far I am from those old feelings. Mostly I feel quite content and happy here. I am satisfied with my connections with people and I don't at all feel disconnected like I used to. I don't feel like my life is run by the need to shop and buy and consume, but I feel that daily I am interacting in meaningful ways with people around me and that the anxiety that I used to feel is no longer present.

I don't have the solution or the reason for why this has happened. I think though, that being here has made me realize what is important in my life and seeing daily the struggles that these people go through has helped me to appreciate and value those things that are most important to me. It makes me wonder a bit about American society and whether if when I go back the same feelings will return. What makes us feel so disconnected? Why does having so much make us feel so empty?

I want to share one last anecdotal story that for me sums up something about my feelings here. On the weekend I ran into a friend and his family. They were driving down the street, saw me, and stopped to chat and invited me to go to the beach with them the following day. When I told them I was going to have a friend with me they told me she was welcome to come even though they had never met her before and this meant we would be a squished seven people in a car meant for five. We spent a lovely day with Julio and Fatima and their three kids. They brought all the food and homemade refresco and even bought us fresh fish while we were there. They served us and made sure we were comfortable and were constantly asking us what else we needed and what else they could do for us. Their kids waited until we were served first and didn't say anything about our needs being put before their own. This family does not have a lot of money but they invited us to share a family outing with them and made sure that we were constantly provided for. Julio would hardly accept even a little money for me and finally did saying that it would help with the gas. I am constantly amazed by the hospitality that has been shown to me here, and it never fails. Everyone is willing to give of what little bit they have to share with me and my friends, even if it means that they will have less. Perhaps this is one of the keys to life here. That having very little means not that you are not willing to share, but rather that from that little you have you are more willing to give to others so that they too will be satisfied. It again reminds me of how in my own wealth I am so often afraid to give even a little, for fear of what little I will be left with. Would we be happier in the US if we learned to give without fear? Would this relieve our anxieties and our loneliness?